they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
