There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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