Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
