I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
