I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
