I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
