Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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