At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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