after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
