So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
