You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
