did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
