shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
