Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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