I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Couch. On fire.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
