I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
