I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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