Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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