Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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