Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
