Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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