Barsexuality is the new black.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Of course I have a pirate flag
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
