dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
