my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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