remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
