The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
