Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
