I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
