Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part