Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
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Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs