paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.