i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?