Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
