Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
