Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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