Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket