i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.