I think I died a long time ago.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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