My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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