after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
