just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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