Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
