i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
