the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
