farters have to be the big spoon...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
