my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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