Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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