The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
