He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
