there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
