mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
