maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
