I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
