What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
it hurts more in the daytime
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
