why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
