you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
