my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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