I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
